Saturday, January 15, 2011

Outsider.

Photo Actually Taken on Dec. 25, 2010

Today I felt extremely used. I'm also very awkward. Today I was humiliated. I'm not sure if I'm blowing things up in my mind or being treated really badly.

I know i'll never be anything like them, and honestly, I'd rather die than be like them.

But no ones wants to feel like and outsider.

Like a black swan.

But I guess I'll continue to be used...

at least until I get things rolling for myself.

Then no ones going to be able to tell me anything!!!

Understanding Obsessions

There’s not enough information out there about obsessions. Not just regular OCD obsessions, but obsessions with actual people. Most of the time when you hear about someone being obsessed with another person, you automatically think they’re a complete and total creep or stalker. You see them as a possible pervert or threat to the person in which they are fascinated by. No one ever tries to figure out what made the obsessor so fascinated by their obsession.

And I think it’s quite unfair.

I think people need to understand that for some people. We’re not looking to hurt the objects of our affections at all. In fact, we only want to make sure they’re okay. We want to meet them, and befriend them, and have them in our lives.

Perhaps you’ve never met a certain person, but you know of them. They’re well known so you see a fair amount of pictures and or videos of them. You’re intrigued. All you want now is to see more and more of them and know more and more about them to the point where they’re consuming your thoughts and you don’t know why you feel this way.

Does that make you crazy?

Maybe. But you still have your sanity. You still know how to read and write. You still know how to socialize and go about your daily routines, but in your mind and you’re heart you still can’t shake thoughts of them. You’re not thinking perverted or malice at all. You just day dream about being with the person and listening to them talk, hearing them laugh or even something as simple as passing them in crowded hallway and your eyes meet.

What do people categorize the obsessed person as? Mentally unstable?

People might think the person is making too big a deal of out the situation. People think it’s simple to just NOT think about something that weighs so heavily on your heart. People think it’s easy to just WALK AWAY and stop yourself from becoming obsessive….but it’s not.

Overtime your obsession becomes your drug.

You’re planning your entire life around someday getting to meet your obsession. It literally brings you to tears knowing they could possibly be somewhere having fun and living life WITHOUT YOU.

And on top of that, you don’t understand why you feel this way! The feelings are foreign and you’d do anything to make them stop and go away, but you don’t know how! You don’t know who to turn to because NO ONE understands.

What do you do?

Before I die I want to play a role in helping the world understand things like this. There needs to be more information on it. There needs to be more people coming together and helping each other beat their obsessions before they ruin our lives.

Cause if you’re obsessed with 3 siblings who live 10000000000 miles away from you and there’s a chance that you’ll never ever meet in your lifetimes, then you HAVE to get over it eventually. Or you’ll life will be HELL.

Primarince Perception by Marie Johnson (My Pen Name)


Have you ever dreamed of swimming in the sky? The vast blanket of blue, melting away at your fingertips as you backstroke through it’s liquid abyss. The peaceful sounds of angles singing fills your ears as you realize they’re calling your name. Not to get your attention, but to praise you, and congratulate you for the good things you have done. Flaws don’t exist in this place. The only sin that you can commit is doubting that you are one with everything and everything is one with you. When you’re here, you belong.

Sitting at the edge of the shore, Marie thought about her father. She wondered if she could find him here. She wondered if she could find anyone here! Especially the boy. The lost boy she spotted so many times as she wondered around the desolate land that she now called her own. For weeks upon weeks, her mind has been taking her here while she sleeps. That's right. She's been dreaming of this place and only this place at night and only at night. But now, Marie was slowly becoming more and more comfortable, and familiar with the land. It was like her personal paradise; a place where anything was possible…If only she knew where to begin in developing it so it could truly be her own.

As she tilted her head towards the sky she noticed a peculiar sight. Was that the lost boy she’d seen so many times, yet never got the chance to ask who he was because he never noticed her before?  She listened closely to the hymn that the unseen angels were singing around her. Their voices were becoming so normal to her, that she barley even heard them anymore. But right now she hears them clearly …and  she also hears the name that they are calling out, is not that of her own…

“Puuuuurr…?” She whispered aloud, mimicking the angelic voices that echoed around her. “Purrnnnnceeeeee?”

The angles began to sing louder, “Prinnnnceeeee…!”

“Prince?” Marie asked herself feeling baffled. She looked up at the sky again. “Prince!” she yelled wondering if maybe that was the lost boy’s name.

Since this world was not one like the reality that Marie and Prince both entered once
they were awake. They were able to do things they wouldn't normally be able to do. When here, just the mere thought of wanting to have perfect vision to dissect every aspect of each other’s features was enough to grant them their wish, even though at the time, they were miles away from each other.

Those eyes.

Prince thought to himself. He knew he’s seen her eyes before. In fact, he’d seen her here before. In his world, living it up on his premises! But he didn’t want to scold her. Prince was only interested in who she was. Unlike the life he lived in his awake state, being hostile towards someone was not something he wanted to do here.

He beamed himself to dry land behind a bush that stood parallel to Marie.

She continued searching the sky far and wide with her eyes looking for the boy to reappear somewhere.

After gathering the courage to  come from behind the bush and address the girl. He cleared his throat., “Excuse me?” Prince croaked trying to appear brave. “But what are you doing here?”

His voice startled Marie but like Prince, she didn’t let it show. She turned to face her him and before she even noticed that she noticed, She noticed.

She noticed who the boy ways. She noticed who Prince was! And unfortunately it shocked her enough to send her back to reality…awaking her from her dream.

---

“And I’ve seen her lot’s of times in other dreams but…this time, it’s like she finally saw me. I tried to ask her who she was but…I think I scared her away…” Prince explained to his grandmother.

She was the only one who told about his dreams. His precognitive, vividly lucid dreams. To his surprise she didn’t look at him strange, or think of him as weird in any way. In fact, the first time Prince ever told her about the dreams where he lived in his kingdom, she simply smiled and said, “You know, your Daddy told me the exact same thing when he was a young man like yourself. In fact, I think he was around your age. Maybe a little bit younger.”

“Dad had weird dreams too?” Prince asked in shock.

Weird? No, no. They’re weren’t weird, Prince. Far, far from it. He described the dreams as magical, and euphoric; the most amazing adventures he ever experienced in his life up until then. I don’t think there’s anything weird about that.”

“Did he have them all the time?”

All the time. Just like you, he said it always took place is some sort of magical world of his own…”

“Mine too!”

“Well isn’t that something? It’s incredible how you’re becoming more and more like your father each day.” She smiled gently squeezing his arm.

“Except you’ve got muscle!” His grandmother teased. “Ooh your Daddy never had much muscle.”

But today Prince was especially shaken up by his dream which doesn’t happen often. He does have nightmares every now and then in his dream world, but none of them are ever so thrilling that they keep him from wanting to return. Not that this dream did that. It just made him…confused but oddly intrigued. You see, Prince always got the impression that his dream world was only accessible to him and him alone. So how did she get there?

“But how could she have possibly found my kingdom, Grandma?”

“I don’t know, baby. Don’t you see other people in your dreams all the time?”

“Well…I do sometimes…but they never notice me like she did. And they never seem as real as she did either. The only people that come into my dreams are the people that I know in real life. But I‘ve never seen her before. I know for a fact I've never seen her before.”

Prince frowned at the expression on his Grandmother’s face. He knew she wanted to help him, but even though she’s familiar with the whole idea of having the special gift, as she put it, she still didn’t know what it felt like the truly have it. Therefore she didn’t truly understand…

“I wish my Dad could give me some advice right about now…” He mumbled.

“Did you find him yet?”

Prince shook his head, no.

“Don’t worry, baby, you will. I know you will.” She smiled trying to comfort her Grandson.

---

“You’ve got bags underneath your eyes…” Marie’s friend Nathan said to her at school.

“I do?”

“Yeah…what time did you go to bed?”

“I’m not sure…somewhere around 4am." She said cringing knowing her friend would scold her about staying up so late.

"Doing what? Don't tell me you were working on those silly stories again!"

"They're not silly, Nat!"

"Well how would I know? You never let me read them! I mean if I have to put up with your pathetic sleep deprived face all day, the least you can do is let me read these oh so important stories!" Her best friend teased as they slowly walked to homeroom.

"Once I put everything together, and make since of it, you'll be the first one to know, buddy." She yawned.

Time seemed to drag by extra slow on this day. For Marie and Prince both. They were both easily distracted at times.

Marie's had a habit of rushing through her work and completing it to spend the majority of her class time doodling and daydreaming about her dream world.

She must've wrote the name Prince 50 times all over a page in her note book during 3rd period.

"Woah, you really like Prince, huh?" Kacey her lab partner asked during Chemistry. "He's a little old school, and sorta reminds me of Michael Jackson in drag but whatever floats your boat, I guess."

Marie just rolled her eyes and turned up the music on her iPod.

Funny that she'd mention Michael Jackson.

But the even funnier thing was that Michael Jackson's son would just pop up in her dream like that. Who did he think he was? That was her world!

Dream-World Fantasy

So I have this Dream-World fan fic that I've been writing about. The only theme it has is...the fact that it's a dream. Anything is possible. The only 2 people in control of the Dream-World is Prince and I who can't decide who's the dreamer and who's the dream character. It's hard to explain but I'll try to post some samples of it soon!